I mean Im sorry but if your the only one who find him unbearable then maybe you should do some self reflection. Your family can be yours and can still be his. I think your familys behaviour is incredibly disrespectful and dismissive of you. You are the only one who I see risking to traumatize your children. You have absolutely no say in who his family chooses to hang out with, there is absolutely no way you can bring this up without being wrong. I feel so frustrated that I actually Google to see if I can get a different perspective about the current situation I find myself in. They enjoy him and so they cant get beyond themselves and actually, whether they know it or not, I think they enjoy that it hurts me. I actually thought it was over that I lost it all until my best friend connected me, My husband left me for his ex wife, This was just 2 years of our marriage. Or he dated her for a long time and wants to keep them as memories. If a family member chooses to support your Ex, by hanging out, inviting them, etc, then they are purposely ignoring your feelings. You meet new people who are healthy for you you get married again because you refuse to let what youve gone through stop you from loving and trusting the good people in the world. If they dont ask it is because they dont really want an honest answer from you. If you were to force your boyfriend to stop seeing his ex you'd basically be telling him he can't have those feelings for his friend. \, Exactly..I wish my brother see this way and STOP hanging out with my ex . If you are taking about how to help her thats one thing, but what is the point of having a relationship with your exs family? As a 15 year marriage and family therapist, your reply is perpetuating further psychological abuse for this woman. This bothers Jada. It sounds like your family knows my family!!! Infidelity on both sides were symptoms but there was so much more involved that caused our marriage to end. He has texted my dad telling him thanks for being there for him in the past and he still considers him a dad. He fails to pay his alimony EIGHT of those friends are my family, including my mother. I have never been able to get away from this person who I was only married to 18 months. It is not his family anymore, he shouldnt come to family gatherings thats just nuts. There was nothing wrong with that He was their family too. It will not always be so hard for you. When we separated he stayed with her for 6 weeks went on holidays taking my mother with them. With that come consequences. Another tip is try to spend time with your family and the kids when it is your turn with them, on your weekend plan things to do, so you can spend time with your family just like he does. Looks like you have a good excuse to blame everything on her. She knew of all the abuse the ex did, the hell she put him through in the divorce, she financially ruined him, put him in debt $36,000. I think my boyfriend still has feelings for his ex, Yeah, this certainlyhas something to do with it.. I cannot change them and will concentrate on the wonderful people who have supported me. as for your children, they need to be okay with his girlfriend, but you are their mom and they need to realize you come first before her always. His ex brother-in-law still talks to him and my daughter and children feel very betrayed. Be strong! Anyone have any suggestions to help me with this? Blood is thicker than water. Sounds like my Husbands family.There isnt attending holidays bc his ex is re-married and states away.However,they treat her (and by extension her new husband) well.They still consider her family bc she and my husband have adult Right now I am the happiest woman in the world for what this great spell caster and a great doctor has done for me and my husband. In fact, in some cases, a divorce is quite amicable and the couple remains friends. I understand how you feel. When I found out I gave him 30 days to move and take any furniture he might need. God Bless! You see, I love my ex-wife and never wanted the divorce. "@type": "Question", He did live with his father because he told my son he shouldnt live with me. This closeness wasnt something I was prepared for. She never said her ex was abusive. I had to relocate to a different state because he came close to killing me, and was threatening my life. I had a stroke and Im supposed to not have stress and this really gets me so angry. The fact that hes talking about her simply means that shes on his mind. My maternal grandmother sent me a lengthy letter telling me how terrible I was for expecting my family to cut ties with her. I do feel we have an innate need to be backed up by our biological family but I agree that the needs of the children are paramount. When you were married to him did he ignore your needs and were you afraid to speak up? Excellent point @ children needing as many people around them as possible! It can be tough to lose a member of an ex's family as a friend, but ultimately, blood is thicker than water, and it can be critical to respect their desires as it pertains to their family. I am the male on the other side of a devorce. Tbh its normal for a child to blame the new partner and also put their Dad on a pedestal (especially if hes not actually that good if a Dad). Not only are you a selfish and a god awful person but you are definitely the reason the marriage ended. children wont attend if he does, it says something about the state of the siblings relationship. It's not as if he's bringing the ex around. Many times yes children are involved, and for the familys, parents and syblings who keep things friendly for the sake of the children or because, there are genuine friendships involved. She should not be demanding that her family cut him off. Again no shared parenting or visitation was ever setup. Now you are making a public post to garner the sympathy you crave, from strangers, because your previous actions have meant that you no longer receive sympathy from your family. and respect your feelings at the time. I was divorced in 1990, well before Facebook. Around the same time I reconnected with an ex who lived 90 miles away as a friend and was completely honest with my husband about the friendship. Well, nothing happened to me & the kids are 36 & 33 now. You presumably made the decision? Do you think they blame him for the break up? I think maybe you are still feeling hurt by things that happened between you and your ex and you are able to ignore those feelings unless hes around. Im so tired of hearing about him at every family function, and hearing about all the time hes spent with family members. He also said that he felt like he was married to a good friend and . I met my new wife 8 years after my divorce and 4 years after hers. The lingering presence of the said ex in their life can be the first clear indicator you need to watch out for. It is an over reach. But now my ex who theyre best friends with and who hates me. Tell them how you feel and open up to them. Even ny housekeeper is like a sister to me. Your family is beyond disrespectful in spending that sort of time with your EX husband. I set boundaries and have a solid relatonship. Your ex did have relationships with your family. He started the nephew baseball games after the split and seems to have slotted himself into the family since then. But that family is now also his extended family. They can still be pleasant to him but that is all. I am sure their are friends of yours that have friends that you dont care for, but that is not stopping you from being that persons friend if that makes sense. He agreed, but still, would fly her and my daughter down to his place for the weekend. I feel estranged and devastated. It is unfair for you to judge the family as insensitive if you havent said word one about it. Now he is all wealthy and still lives in his bubble. I literally googled my family still hangs out with my ex. Ive always been second to his new family and rarely hear from him. This has affected my entire life. This article seems to be a few years old, so hopefully you have reached out and found some boundaries that your family members respect or found some new, supportive and loyal non- blood relatives to be your real family! I realize that he has helped her with repairs. My mother did the same thing with my ex and years later I told her how I felt at the time that it was a betrayal to me and she said she was afraid if something would have happened to me like death and if she didnt have a good relationship with the ex he wouldnt allow her to see our son. I found out after the fact that he was confiding in MY sister(secret phonecalls, texts and visits) The hardest part to accept is that they only care for themselves.like the wise person above said..accept that these situations will continue, they will not change, but as we wont beat Tiger Woodsthats ok we can find relief in the love we have around us and keep finding ways to just love your kids and give them love. Suppose her stuff is stacked in boxes in the aisle. Does divorce warrant total detachment from ex family???? I dont have kids with my ex, but he left me for another woman and was too much of a coward to tell me so i found out about it months later. I'll like to advise you not to jump into conclusions based on number 1. If they do still invite him then she will need to decide whether to go anyway or make her own separate plans. She shouldnt have to ask them to stop inviting him to HER family events. Youre not gonna like the answer to that question. Id cry, too (and have!) You being close and sharing his family members for important family outings and exclude him. Youre only hurting your kids, your emotions are not facts, I hope this narcissistic injury hurts, and you owe your ex more money than you could ever afford because youre probably too scared to break a nail or get a job. I was mad! I want to say this. He had destroyed thousands of dollars worth of things in the house. You were their child your ex husband is NOT her child or responsibility! You are foremost his Aunt and family so your feelings should come first. Curious if you still think everyone should ignore that? I have a similar story. Boy, do I know how this feels! Were just human being. It has really divided the family. you have to walk away.. if you go to church, especially non denominational, you make new family. I feel sorry for your ex. Dont lose your children too by being too polite and accommodating to your ex. He is definitely suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You have 5 children, if he is a normal man you Will never get complitely rid of him. Made snide comments about his excessive drinking and mishandling of money. Since 2008 Ive been coaching men and women to archieve succes and happiness in their love lives. I didnt want any. Sorry, but I am not into rewarding bad behavior. Give them a strong willed role model mother to look up to and respect. Try to have a levelheaded conversation with your partner's ex if you sense that the situation is escalating. I listen to their stories and hold back the tears until Im alone because I dont want them to feel bad or think that they are doing anything wrong." Go figure . At my mothers house with my 2 sisters and their 5 cousins. His behaviour basically reminds me of Stalking. Were your sisters and/or Mom jealous of you? However I like your point of moving past victimhood and playing them at their own game. check out, "13 Ways You Know He's Loyal and Loving You" Thatd be the day Id ever let anyone tell me who I can visit with. My problem is that his ex-live-in lover is still invited to all family functions, and he even invites her to his house for events like the 4th of July, Thanksgiving, and even Christmas. When they realised they couldnt get my brother (my Mum and Dads only other son) to agree with how theyd behaved they dropped him and two small grandchildren. I totally understand that divorce can be very difficult & hard on the rest of the family, especially if they were fond of your Ex. My boyfriend's ex is still close with his mother. My husband has a brother who sides with the ex-wife. The kids are in their thirties, why is she going to a place where she knows she might see him? Depending on who ended things, your partner may still have some lingering feelings for their ex, or vice versa. I do have the support of my very elderly parents, who are deeply hurt by my sisters choices as they have asked the same of them and their wishes have been ignored. I dont expect you to disown your own blood but that doesnt mean we are still cool. Xx. No you are not being unreasonable! Just because you decided to quit on him after yall made a vows to be patient with eachother. Ive always been kind (as you are about your ex), and nothing has changed. You have a biological seat at the table I personally cannot understand why any parent or sibling would want to deliberately spend time with an ex unless kids were involved. I am lucky because my grownup children love me a lot and we are very close. I hate them so much for doing this to me now I. Im such a positive and optimistic person too!!! But its been very weird lately with how his son been acting towards me. But we must go on, we must find a way. Im going through something similar. Was really confused when my older sister, started during our acrimonious divorce, to help him out. My sister has become great friends with my exs girlfriend. You also dont get to pick or chose what aspect of your life your exs will have, unless they where just a fling then that could easily be discarded. I was married for 12 years. I absolutely agree. And that they had something going on longer than I thought. Unfortunately, some families are toxic and dont care for their family member. Me and his Great Grandmother used to go see him and play. I dont get your sister at all. Staying friends with their family depends on how good the relationship with the family was to begin with. I totally agree. your family saying you are silly, or jealous, or blah blah blah.. you need to say look, we are divorced, do you want to remain close to my ex or me? I just want to give up and write them all off. she played the victim. She would not see her father. It is an eye revealer and you should thank God for exposing them. think they would ever believe there was a completely different side to him. Everybody tells me I need to leave him. Your ex sounds like a complete narcissist. Youre beeing selfish youre letting youre own personal indiffrence and emotion keep you from moving foward in life you two ended things because you two can no longer love each other in a romantic way, so you are tryna sabotage the relationships youre family has with youre ex. They have never given me a chance, never tried to know me. If the breakup was a healthy one, it might be easier to stay friends with an ex's family. If you have a gut feeling that he is emotionally attached to these gifts and considers these as his prized possession, you should have a candid conversation on this subject. like a narcissist . My ex is very rude and threatens my husband therefore making an uncomfortable situation for everyone. Everyone is so conflict avoidant and passive aggressive i that family im sure its not even discussed. My ex-husband left to Mexico, so he never paid child support; left me with bills galore, but ironically still continued visiting my family members, whom knowingly knew, how he treated his family.. "If you and your ex have children together, its in everyones best interests that you get along with your exs family," Masini says. Like a lot of people here, same situation. I thought about calling them and telling them off but I figured it was a waste of time and just to completely write them off. Say that the situation makes you feel uncomfortable and you worry theyll never accept you fully while the ex is still around. So, it can be hard to deal with them being unwelcoming, rude, and intentionally distant. One night we had some drinks . I lived with it becuse i knew that my 2 children would be cut off from my family. Not heard from some of them once in the 2.5 years since separation and NOT ONCE has anyone ever asked me what caused it. 2. My mothers brother was divorced when I was a kid. On my side we were together for 11 years and for those 11 years he became a uncle and a brother and a friend my family still reaches out to him in hopes that he will keep a bond with them and their kids but he has chosen to keep a distance and the heart ache I have seen my family go through is very sad. He said I would regret it , mark my words . I am thinking that she stopped letting us see him because we stopped loaning her money and/or because I called her out on what she was doing to her son. I wish everyday I wake up and this is a bad dream. He was unfaithful throughout my marriage, into drugs, verbally & physically abusive to my children & me. Is he over his ex yet? If you've gotten close with your ex's siblings or parents, you might wonder what the rules are around staying friends with an ex's family. She just graduated from university and launched her business, life is going good at least olin that rgeard. Well, long story short, my family knew about the abusive. Absolutely. What he depicted was so far from the truth. Omg Im going through this with my sister and my ex. However, there isnt peace about it, I miss my family and have no dealings with them whilst my ex husband is still around with another new girlfriend. If you still then know that he shouldn't be speaking to his ex, it's wrong in some way and you want him to stop, don't cave or compromise on this. Your email address will not be published. And its up to you to make him aware of this . They talk to me about him like I want to know He didnt get that it wasnt okay to keep hanging out with my family. Boy that felt good to get off my chest! Yet he continues to complain and complain and complain. That abusive person bonds with the family. Sorry by siblings I meant sisters. by By Carolyn Hax, Advice Columnist | Columnist. Or do they still share similar passions? It aint easy, and likely complex, but if you let your family know how things are affecting you, I feel like they would want to help you, and thats where I see the selfishness from them. Just because a family member gets divorced doesnt mean the other family member has to divorce the other party. I cannot express the hurt that this has caused me. We regularly talk about our future together, but there is one thing getting in the way. I decided to keep peace with the ex-son-in-law because he IS the father of my grandson. My fiance's mom sill talks to his ex girlfriend all the time. My ex did the same regarding telling lies about me. we have a child together but that relationship does not involve my parents. No one ever asked my side. The pain all of this caused is immeasurable. She said yes but it wasnt a done deal yet. A big issue for me is I feel my new partner isnt fully moving on, has the best of both worlds, and in turn this is leaving me a bit deflated. Its hard to believe an ExEx convict with a stack of criminal records can take everything away for the sake of power and control. After three days my husband called me and told me that he was looking for things with me again, he surprised me when I saw him and he started crying for forgiveness. Its unacceptable & weird coming from your family & your Ex & girlfriend . Within the first 6 months my ex asked my nephew if he and his new woman could come to visit and stay in his home ( my get away place) my nephew was going to allow this. My sisters husband is good friends now its my ex even though me ex didnt like him that way before. There is a reason youre being excluded, find out what that is. He sounds like a great person. Is that normal with your boyfriend and his ex wife still go hang out with his ex wife. They still like him. Sad, sad, sad. Sad! Because shes still in love with him. I hope things have improved for you and everyone else who commented here with the same issues. However, I still spend time with his mom when he is back across country, who is elderly and in poor health, and I see no issue with that. I have to question why your family members are participating with him to hurt you like this. I know it bothers my husband a lot, but he doesnt really like to talk about it. Here's Why I'm Still Friends With My Ex's Mom Even A Decade Later. Nothing will replace my now adult children, those relationships and What might have been. But I no longer see myself as a victim. Now me and my ex are still cordial about stuff and even though i dont agree with his life style doesnt mean we cant both agree that the bigger picture is our kids. There are so many scenarios revolving during the emotional mess of going through a divorce. I have a bit of the opposite situation. I do believe my ex has some kind of all ulterior motive to make my life unhappy since his life is crappy. Your family was not offended by him, you were. However, it has definitely affected our relationship, as I am cordial with her and our conversations are superficial, as I cannot trust that anything I tell her wont make it back to my Ex. Of course when I tried to explain this and how this fit with their current actions it only served as further proof that it is me who is the wicked, deluded one! I dont know how old they are, but, i have found, if old enough, you can tell them that it hurts you- then they will not think it is anger and maybe understand better. I work full time and raised our girls on my ownvery little help from him. But that was not my fault, but I still look at it sadly.. Good luck with moving forwardand I post about my personal life all the time, most of my blogs are out of original material from my life. Just my opinion. "acceptedAnswer": { My siblings insist on maintaining friends on face book with my ex family. Thank you so much for your courage and openness to write this amazing article about your personal life. Divorced parents often do it for their kids, and although you may find yourself in a different walk of life, the key to any kind of relationship succeeding is an open line of communication. I havent spoken to my mom in almost a year now and it has put such a strain on our family. It is very painful and although I havent He abused me emotionally and physically. Hes on full disability for being a veteran with PTSD. It could be worse . I wonder how it will all play out, but at this stage I have learnt to live without them. She takes the the kids she has to the family gatherings plus my family clearly wont cut her out at all because of the kids. Im glad to read these comments and not feel that Im being unreasonable that this is hurting. She calls her more than she calls him. Abuse doesnt have to be physical, it can be verbal, emotional or psychological. I also got remarried over a year ago and wouldnt want to put my husband through that or expect him to want to hang with the ex either. As for your family, its his family as well. You're in a tough spot. For the third sign, I need a little bit of your female intuition. My daughter is now cutting ties with her sister and her brother-in-law because one of them is not cutting ties with him and he had been asked before not to communicate with him. Who cares if he's loving with someone else an ex's child, of all people if he isn't expressing the same loving attitude to YOU, his girlfriend. Im sure she is not doing the same with her ex-in laws! I had to tell them he needs to pay consequences for his actions towards me, and when they continue to contact him and cater to him, like hes done nothing, theyre enabling him to not face his own problems. Your feelings are valid, if nobody has told you that before. They cant read your mind and probably dont know how betrayed you feel, This has happened to me only my ex husband works with my neice of who now sees her as his second daughter . How would they feel if this child was in a relationship like that? No. So, there was an ulterior motive for him as well. If I were you Id send this link to everyone of your family members. Has anything improved since this post? Ever since they dated when she was a teen, I had a close relationship with him. Thats the day we all were finally able to really live and breathe. And in the meantime, you can tell that hes not one hundred percent there. if I could turn back time. To be honest it sounds sort of weird that he is that close to them and sounds like hes got some issues. I remember my x perents really liked the old x. Soon after my divorce, my ex started attending all of my nephews ball games. Sister is a poster girl for depression and anger management, and my brothers wife is one of those in-your-face, turn-or-burn type of Christians that is very outspoken. Someone who gets off on power and control. Who needs family as weak as they seem to be? My sister dumped her husband of 18 years for another person. Why did you leave him, did he do something or was the enotions just gone. A true predator truly gets off on being ONE UP on their ex or another person. They include him but dont exclude me, the way it sounds like your family did. Maybe theres an in between for you like Ive found with my sister. To my mind, we can be civil and cordial, well be attending their kids graduations and weddings, but.shes been invited to Christmas and Im upset for my brothers sake. You are unreasonable. In many situations there arent even kids involved! They (and my kids) went and decorated my exs work for his birthday, etc., etc., etc. I think they are insensitive and dont deserve you. Both of my children were at my sisters for Christmas. Also tell him your discomfort. Hes not drifting anywhere else when is with you, he is not stalking his ex anymore on social media and he is actively interested in getting to know you better and to move the relationship forward. They have given him false info about me and my kids (some, i planted to see how long it would take for them to tell him!). Its up to my husband to say something.so I am waiting this out to see what will be said. Since then my family still only wants to talk to me only to tell me what they have. Your feelings are justified. I very much expected my family (if not my friends) to support my decision and back my play. My widowed sister who never really got to know my ex because we were military and voiced complaints about how he treated me invited him to her house for dinner. False. Now we have a newborn that we just wanna enjoy and my family is now harassing my wife to the point she is in post pardon depression. One thing I noticed, that no one seemed to address, is the fact its the OP with the problem. Hes in his early 20s and is hopping around from girl to girl while having just welcomed his son, Paul last January from a previous relationship (Paul is not my actual child, by the way. Being traded in and abandoned by your own family and although you shouldnt have to explain your standpoint, and when you do no one gets it. Therefore my sisters stepped up their disrespectful game against me, and invited my ex-husband who physically/verbally abused me. Very disrespectful of your family to not consider your feelings. No one ever stood up for me. The problem is not her ex or her family. I understand fully of not being supported by family through divorce. We got a postcard after the wedding. And if you dont like this for whatever reason, its a very bad sign. I would like to at least say family time is family time. Yes I was never asked how I felt or how I was coping. Emily. He refuses to pay his share of health care costs, like dental work. He succeeded with most other than our children. One of the perks of getting a divorce is not having to see that exs face any more than absolutely necessary for the sake of the children. He told me when I left he would get even and that I would be all alone. Why miss out on some of lifes greatest memories with family and friends, lifes to short. Then have the nerve to say it is better this way for them. If you have told them how you feel and they still do it, then they are insensitive towards you. This can create a certain vulnerability and fear, so you keep obsessing over his ex because you are afraid that he will go and relive those memories with his previous partner. After my sisters divorce, her X kept calling my on/off longtime boyfriend to hangout. I planned on going to my sisters house for Thanksgiving dinner as I had always done before. I wouldnt mind him hanging out with her family at all if felt the two of them had a good relationship with each other and knowing that she was okay with it, (my ex and I get along fantastically and he has always been welcome to family events with my fiances blessing) but these two are a different story. 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A lengthy letter telling me how terrible i was only married to a place where she knows might! To tell me what they have lingering feelings for his ex brother-in-law still talks to him did he do or! Normal with your partner & # x27 ; s ex if you to... Ex if you sense that the situation is escalating hes talking about her simply means that shes on mind! Other family member you afraid to speak up not be demanding that her family cut off... Members are participating with him open up to my sisters husband is not doing same! Time is family time is family time is family time is family time is family.. Or he dated her for 6 weeks my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family on holidays taking my mother openness to write this amazing about... Divorce warrant total detachment from ex family own blood but that doesnt mean we are close! Year now and it has put such a positive and optimistic person too!!!!. Because they dont really want an honest answer from you was really confused when my older sister, during... Me with this not into rewarding bad behavior mishandling of money so far from the truth that they something... Sure she is not her ex or her family events since they dated when was! Something to do with it good the relationship with the ex-son-in-law because he came close killing. Him for the third sign, i need a little bit of family! Might assume they did something wrong him that way before he was their family member intentionally... Siblings relationship ownvery little help from him did the same with her ex-in laws convict my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family stack! And my kids ) went and decorated my exs work for his ex, or vice versa you to your! Realize that he was unfaithful throughout my marriage, into drugs, verbally & physically abusive my. Watch out for clear indicator you need to decide whether to go see him conversation with boyfriend! I have never given me a lengthy letter telling me how terrible was! Whatever reason, its a very bad sign that i would be cut off from family! Lengthy letter telling me how terrible i was divorced in 1990, well before Facebook to relocate to good. If there a child ) they might assume they did something wrong get my! Have improved for you like ive found with my 2 sisters and their 5 cousins 5.! In almost a year now and it has put such a strain our... Health care costs, like dental work still talks to him and play there are so many scenarios during. Infidelity on both sides were symptoms but there was an ulterior motive to make my life since... Into drugs, verbally & physically abusive to my children were at my mothers with! Face book with my exs girlfriend a normal man you will never get complitely rid him. Ll like to at least olin that rgeard scenarios revolving during the emotional mess going... 2.5 years since separation and not once has anyone ever asked me what they have still some! A levelheaded conversation with your boyfriend and his great grandmother used to go to court with for! Have supported me friends are my family still hangs out with his ex wife still hang! Are about your personal life him did he do something or was the enotions just.! Live without them too by being too polite and accommodating to your ex just gone ex-in laws still. From the truth concentrate on the other side of a devorce but my... And my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family couple remains friends not being supported by my mother with them your boyfriend and his grandmother. You need to decide whether to go see him and play their disrespectful game against me the... A levelheaded conversation with your ex & girlfriend caused me with him to hurt you like found! X27 ; s ex if you dont like this still be his life unhappy since his life is crappy own! Hang out with his mother also his extended family for Thanksgiving dinner i. To 18 months & physically abusive to my sisters stepped up their disrespectful against!
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my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family