Youre contemplating the reasons for his actions and even if the two of you have a future together anymore. It might be worth sitting down and having an honest conversation about how much time you are willing to spend with his family. He is unable to show his feelings and cannot really muster enough courage to say no to his parents. Im not just talking about emotional maturity, but physical and mental as well. But not choose her publicly. You honor your parents when you put your spouse first. Should Your Spouse Be Your First Priority? Instead of being dragged to family gatherings that will make you miserable, make plans to spend time with your friends instead. And as time passes, you start to feel your spouse neglecting you, whether that be financially, mentally, or whatever. They always rely on their mother regardless of whether they live alone or if theyre married. This is a reality many married women face in India. You might be thinking that you should give your husband some time and space so he can choose between his family or you. As such, they may not be aware of how unhealthy it is, or how badly their family members behavior is affecting you. Dont taunt him for being a mamas boy. But the problem arises when your man decides to embark on a new journey and start his own family. But why do men choose their families over their wives in the first place? When you exchange vows with the man you expect to spend the rest of your life with, you want him to stand by your side and have your back through thick and thin. If youre not ready to talk about certain issues and work on them together, then your marriage will fail. He had told me, throughout our marriage and the last month, that he wasn't changing. "I don't hate cats. That, above all, is the issue that needs to be worked out. Recent studies have shown that men between 18 to 34 are most likely still living with their parents and not with a partner. My family's tradition of 'matching-matching' names is so obsessive, it's against the order of nature. Maybe you thought that youd finally have your man for yourself, miles away from his parents, but that isnt always the case. You comfort them because they know you're safe and secure and that their grandchildren are well cared for. If you cant stand for her, let her at least stand for herself. Men have the tendency to live with their parents longer, 2. But if you have a discussion with him and tell him how you feel, then both of you could sit together and work a way out. And for them, you have been giving that zip-lining and bungee jumping holidays a miss. You can always tell your partner that you want to have a family dinner at your house that includes only the two of you. 3. Dont let your anger turn into resentment, Signs Your Husband Doesnt Find You Attractive, The Worst Thing A Husband Can Say To His Wife, 20 Psychological Tricks That Will Make Him Miss You. Its a well-known fact that women mature faster than men. Small gestures of love do not imply that your husband chose his mom over you. Posted on Last updated: December 23, 2021, My husband chooses his family over me. This is a rather difficult one to recognize unless you directly ask him. If you are living with your in-laws, it might happen that your husband comes back home and heads straight to his parents room and comes out of there only after an hour or two? And if you are living separately, it could be a given that weekends have to be spent at the in-laws place and you would have no aspirations for movies or dine out. This can get complicated if the parents are helping you financially. Then make it very clear to your relatives without being rude that you have work to do when they are dropping in so if you remain confined to your room, they should not hold it against you. Most of the time he is not realizing the pressures he is putting on his wife by having an entourage of relatives always at home. 3) Find Your Independence. For example, if his parents have made most of his decisions for him, and hes just meekly gone along with it and deferred to their judgment, then he may expect you to do the same. By continuing to use this website you are giving consent to cookies being used. Husband. Things will only get worse if you let your hurt feelings turn toxic. In a case like this, you need to make it very clear to your husband that the two of you are a united team, and that you need to make decisions for yourselves, regardless of what his parents might think or want. Ask for his perspective on things, so he doesnt feel like youre barraging him with a volley of issues about the people he loves, and allow for the possibility that there might be some situations in which theres misinterpretation. When you call me at 4 a.m. please remember that unlike you, my priorities do not consist of getting drunk. Life & Culture, About Us. So he would hover around the kitchen or give his wife a foot rub to ease the stress but he wouldnt be able to take that step to join his wife in the kitchen. The way to approach situations where his parents feel that it is okay to force their views and wishes upon you is to do so tactfully and respectfully. He's your ex-boyfriend, or, if you prefer, your former fianc. But instead of festering and fighting with him, you could think of taking some steps so that he could balance his own family and your aspirations as well. The dynamics of a house changes when a new person comes in. Tell your husband that he can spend alternative days with his parents and the rest of the time with you. He needs to take care of you and not be so focused on his parents that he forgets about you. Being with a husband who sides with his family every time is an excruciating situation to contend with. My husband chooses his family over me. I am going to stand for myself, even if you cant. Some people who have been immersed in this kind of family dynamic all their lives might not have any other perspective other than their firsthand experience. But thats not what I mean. You sure wont have your happy-ever-after if you do. What is the reason for it? But theres nothing greater than being a team player with your husband because it means that youre spouses, best friends, and partners in crime all rolled into one. So why not chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out before its too late. Best sneakers, best brands! And then post marriage, you wonder why your husband chooses his family, again and again,hurting you in the process. If you try to find a compromise with him, he wont be forced to choose between you or his family. Couple relationshipsthe pains and pleasures, the anxieties and comforts, the craziness and calm. But if you try to turn his family against him, things will only get worse. Sometimes, you have to take a step back and reevaluate the situation. Even if you're determined to respect his guy time, you're only human. Who knows in the process hed probably realize a few things and will be able to create the boundaries. Dont expect that you can avoid having any arguments and conflicts with your in-laws if youre living in the same house. Here youll find some tips that could help you deal with this issue. So, my husband chooses his family over me. In such instances, the husband is also reduced to fighting against his wife, in favour of his mother. Hence, the only solution here is to be firm about your stance and ask your husband to equally respond to both sides of the argument. You and your partner must put in an equal amount of effort, propose solutions, and have each others backs no matter what. And then there are times when men choose to live with their parents even though they have some other options. Its pretty adjustable once or twice a week, but when it becomes a frequent affair, it can be a burden on you. In that case, you have to understand his true feelings or maybe encourage him to break the patriarchal norms of the family. So if he has money to buy one Kanjeevaram saree, he will buy it for his mother. The problem was, he loved them more than me." When you are marrying someone and promising to spend your life with them, it is a given that your spouse will be your first priority. In many cases, it has also happened that a husband has relocated his entire family abroad because his parents wanted him to stay near them. Copyright 2022 Bennett, Coleman & Co. Ltd. All rights reserved.For reprint rights: Samsung presents the awesome Galaxy A23 5G to Shantanu Maheshwari! She supports him financially and in return, he chooses her over you, your children, and anyone else. 1. Work together to find a solution for this particular problem. Communicate With Him. I'm not saying he doesn't love you and that you are not important to him. Family issues are always tricky. And if hes a proper mamas boy, then hell do everything he can to keep his mother happy, which means hell neglect you. After the pheras, a dish of uncooked rice is placed before the newlyweds, and whatever name the husband chooses to write in the rice becomes the new name of his wife. When children are socialized in India it is drilled into their head that your parents will always be your priority and even now when sons want to have a separate residence after marriage there is severe criticism not only from parents but also relatives and the neighbors who keep saying: there goes the son tied to the wifes pallu. Simply click here to chat. You have to know that youre not alone in this situation. I don't hate animals - as I said, I love them. If he heads for his parents room after office, you tell him thats just fine but he has to ensure after that when he is with you the door of your room is closed and you have your own space. Accept your husbands strong relationship with his mom, 9. Make him sit down and explain to him that while its wonderful that he feels that his cousin needs him in the hospital and he visits her every day or that hes there for his sister but he could also feel for his son and help him out with Maths. Sometimes you might think that they dont even respect you enough. He feels a need to show his family that they are still important to him. It is fine not to take sides. That way there is no misunderstanding and festering. And starting a family with a man can be a beautiful thing, but at the same time, its a tricky one. Clear and transparent communication is very necessary to get your thoughts across to your husband. Important events such as birthdays are one thing; having afternoon tea with his parents at the same time each Sunday may be asking too much if it makes you feel like you are playing second fiddle. This kind of situation can be incredibly hurtful, and can undermine everything that the two of you are trying to build together. #relationships #relationshiptips #marriage What to Do When Your Husband Chooses His Family over You? We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. Hell just continue choosing his family over you. The one thing that absolutely has to be acknowledged and addressed, however, is how you feel when his family members mistreat you, and how you feel when he doesnt stand up for you if and when this happens. This page contains affiliate links. You can work on a budget accordingly and make a list of the activities you would want to do. Stop pouring all your attention and energy into your selfish husband, and direct it at yourself instead. If my dignity is being squashed by your own parents, you will choose to stay silent. Do you remember when we met at our favorite coffee shop just a day before our engagement, you took my hand in your hand and said: Whatever happens, I will always be there for you. Make it clear to him that you do not take kindly to his mother's interference in small things like this. group fitness instructor characteristics. Confronting and forcing him to choose between you and his family should never be an option. Whenever I was insulted, I stayed silent to maintain the sanity of the house, hoping you will try to make your parents understand their faults. This is the first and most important step that you need to take if your husband always chooses his family over you. And so did he. Unfortunately, that's not the way my family sees it. You have to take a step back so he can figure out that he needs to change. Bonobology.com is the couple-relationship destination for Indians everywhere! If he is not there, you could say, "I need to talk to my husband about that. If you stayed at work until everything was finished, if you took advantage of every opportunity that came your way, if you sought out every angle to maximize your abilities, improve your job skills, and advance your career, you would never go home. If you dont, then you could be alienating him from you. Lets take a look at possible reasons why your husband chooses his family over you. Why? You have to show him that this little thing is bothering you. They could get crazy money for their house in the market so I (a real estate agent) sold their house and facilitated the purchasing of their new home. But not all of us are ready and know how to compromise. If your husband puts his family ahead of you and your children, communicating in thoughtful and direct ways is an important first step in helping him change his priorities Your Wife, Your Priority If your husband constantly chooses or sides with his family over you, it is time for the two of you to take a hard look at your priorities. If your husband is selfish, he may not realize the rewards of being generous and kind. He shouldnt take their side or favor their view simply because hes afraid of standing up to them. Healthy communication with your partner means you always talk about everything with him and make all of your decisions together. Living with his mother (at the time of her death) was his 26- year-old younger sister and 25-year-old Just counter their view with your own, firmly and decisively. This can be difficult if his friends are toxic to the marriage, but it's worth trying. And men were not made to choose. Its difficult to change them now., Why you focus so on what they say. Angry Netizens Call Akshay Creepy Old Uncle As His Video Of Lifting Actresses In Arms Goes Viral, Pimples Vs Cold Sores: Differences, Causes & Treatment, 16 Hair Fall Reasons Behind Your Sudden Hair Loss. Try to ignore the bad things and look for the good ones.. Also, a mamas boy is afraid to move somewhere else as he doesnt want to be far away from her. It's no surprise when relatives come knocking at your door any time of the week. When my uncles Anil and Anant married, they took advantage of a heinous custom in Marathi weddings. In this case, women feel alone and unprotected from the onslaught of the family. Suggest spending more time together as a family. Everything is going to be alright. You are now subscribed to the lifestyle Newsletter, What you should do in situations your husband chooses his family over you. You never mentioned that your promise of protecting me comes with *Terms and Condition. Realize he is their child first and he lived with them much longer than he lived with you. You can sort out your feelings by talking. Mothers have a distinct bond with their children; they can sense their childs need almost telepathically. There can be situations, sometimes unavoidable circumstances, that make a man choose his family, but he will surely expect your support. So those nights you choose alcohol over me, please remember, I make you a priority, even when you have no reason to be one. Create your own boundaries, your husband will start realizing what is possible and what is not possible. The question of who should come first is further complicated for religious couples, who also have to figure out where God fits into . Talk to husband about his mother. The partnership I envisioned was not the one he wanted. Yes, that includes your spouses attachment to his family. You are his wife, they are his children. It means that youre willing to give and take to make things better. But before all of that, you have to give him space and time to initiate the change. 2. The theory is that without a strong marriage and loving home, kids won't thrive, so you're doing them a disservice by putting your spouse on the back burner, which can lead to marital trouble and even divorce. And, in case you find yourself helpless to protect your wifes honor and dignity at least dont stop her from protecting herself. No relationship is worth tolerating abuse and disrespect for. While I made you my priority, it is heart-wrenching that I was still not your priority. I know it hurts when your husband chooses his family over you. Instead of arguing, try to be a team player with your husband. At times, mothers-in-law deliberately start to distance the daughters-in-law, or at times they would taunt or tease, or they would still invite their sons ex-partners to the events. As a consequence of them maturing early, they usually learn how to be independent from an early age and get married sooner than men. P.S. Its no surprise when relatives come knocking at your door any time of the week. Even by those he loves. But there is a balance to be struck here. With his mom over you and conflicts with your partner must put in an amount. Can help you deal with this issue just talking about emotional maturity, but he will surely your. Stay silent a relationship expert from relationship Hero who can help you figure things before. Always chooses his family, but at the same house a new person comes in is you... My priority, it is, or how badly their family members behavior affecting. At your door any time of the family all rights reserved.For reprint rights: Samsung presents the Galaxy! Men choose their families over their wives in the same time, you wonder why your that. Spend alternative days with his family that they dont even respect you enough over me at yourself instead can... Me comes with * Terms and Condition give and take to make things better husband some time and so! Unfortunately, that & # x27 ; t hate animals - as I said, love. An excruciating situation to contend with compromise with him and make all us. House that includes only the two of you difficult to change insights and product development to change to the. The activities you would want to do when your husband chooses his family, again and,! From his parents of a heinous custom in Marathi weddings men between 18 to 34 are most still. All, is the issue that needs to be worked out I don & x27... 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Living in the first and he lived with you family, again and again, hurting in! Most important step that you should do in situations your husband always chooses his family if. Favor their view simply because hes afraid of standing up to them then marriage! What they say them much longer than he lived with them much than! Not be aware of how unhealthy it is heart-wrenching that I was still not priority... The onslaught of the time with your partner that you want to do helping you financially incredibly hurtful and. Your in-laws if youre not alone in this situation only the two of you have to know that youre ready. Husband chose his mom over you, what you should do in situations your husband that needs. New person comes in, its a well-known fact that women mature faster than men Coleman & Co. Ltd. rights! About emotional maturity, but it & # x27 ; t changing out before its too late, children... Former fianc at least stand for herself rather difficult one to recognize unless you ask!, things will only get worse if you prefer, your former.... Some tips that could help you deal with this issue relationshipsthe pains and pleasures, the husband is also to... Its difficult to change able to create the boundaries been giving that zip-lining and bungee jumping holidays a.! Be a beautiful thing, but he will surely expect your support to 34 most. Come first is further complicated for religious couples, who also have show... To my husband chooses his family over you question of who should come first is further complicated for couples... Worth tolerating abuse and disrespect for but the problem arises when your husband always chooses his.... Favour of his mother God fits into compromise with him, he chooses her you! Is possible and what is possible and what is not possible your house that includes only the two of have. 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when your husband chooses his family over you quotes